Spring has arrived and I have been itching to make some more images for Anisocoria. This winter I’ve done a couple photoshoots for the series, but most of my ideas have needed an environment warm enough to stand in for more than 10 minutes at a time. But now that the weather is pleasant, I’m really excited and I’ve filled up my schedule with folks to interview! Stay tuned to see portraits of everyone I know.
“Anisocoria” is based on the idea that each image is a re-staging or reimagining of a crux moment in a person’s life, and I’ve been reflecting to try and identify some more moments in my life that have been important to me. One moment for me that I decided was important to create an image about, is a decision I made when I was 14, the decision to stop the way I was thinking about my body.
Similar to many girls, I was totally insecure about myself as an adolescent. I’ve kept a journal since late middle school, and reading some of those early entries can be pretty scary – I felt so bad about myself and was just miserable about it all. And this was something that I remember hearing from ALL of my girl friends, even though we were all different shapes and sizes, and at some point I just got tired of it all. I realized that I spent a significant amount of time every day thinking unhelpful thoughts about myself, or listening to my friends say the same about themselves. So I decided I would stop thinking the way I did. Every time the thought “I feel fat” would pop into my head I would stop, actually THINK about it, and tell myself to let go of that idea. And it worked. It just took some time.
What I ended up realizing was that the idea of “fat” had very little to do with fitness or literal fat on my body. The thought “I am fat” was really a thought of worthlessness. By thinking about at my body differently, I was actually changing the way I felt about my inner self. This is not a lesson someone else can give you by showing you their desire for your body, it has to be something that comes from you. Self acceptance is a life long journey, but the decision I made to start thinking about my body differently at age 14 was definitely a life changing moment for me.
I wanted to stage the scene inside, surrounded by plants, looking in a mirror and experiment with reflecting light. Shining sunlight back on myself seemed like a perfect visual metaphor to show self love, but I will admit it was pretty uncomfortable. I have really sensitive eyes, so I was basically blinding myself during this photoshoot.
I think the last two are the strongest, but I am having trouble choosing which one to use for the series. Which do you think is the most compelling? Let me know!